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So, I've fallen so far off the wagon, I'm not even sure where the wagon IS anymore! Okay I know where it is. Its over there. But I am over here, and I am ill. I may or may not have smoked a cigarette on the roof deck of my sister's apartment on Saturday night, where it was windy and cold, and I was already very worn out and my immune system was iffy. So at a late dinner, it hits, the aches, the nausea, i was sick. No, no, I didn't throw up but I wanted to, and dinner was not pleasant, and I got teased by the guys that I had swine flu. I was much much better the next day, but my chest was, and is STILL kicking my ass for that cigarette. I live with my parents still, because of school, and my mom had to get an H1N1 vaccine because she is immuno compromised (so am I) and so my dad and I had to get them too, to be on the safe side. The hospital we go to is like, forty minutes away, so we all went together and i had to pretend to be not sick in order to get it which in retrospect may not have been the brightest idea. I don't feel well, unless I am laying down doing jack shit. Which is boring. Really, very boring.
I WILL be good this week because I know I will be bad for Thanksgiving. I will be back on the wagon.
I will.
I will.
I will.
And anyway, right now the real self loathing is coming from the fact that I am watcing "Cougar Town" because I am too lazy to find something else to watch. bawwwwww.
- Mood:
self loathing
I've had an awful lot going on that has resulted in me gaining what i think is an impressively low ten pounds.
- Mid July- My grandfather passed away at age 92. He was a wonderful man, the patriarch of our family, and he will be greatly missed. We knew he was getting on in years and that his time left with us was uncertain, but he didn't have any specific medical problems for a long time, its just been the past few months that he'd really gotten sick. And even then... you just never think that that day is going to come. So that was a big stressor.
- My parents flew back to Kansas that week for his funeral and I was alone in the house, which is never very fun especially when you are grieving.
- That same week I attended, as I always do, the San Diego Comic-Con, the great pop culture convention. I live in San Diego, so I was still at home, but at least I had somewhere to be every day.
- Also that week- minor drama with a male friend. Rejection sucks.
So with all that I kind of fell off the wagon. Then I knew I had my big Vegas trip coming up, which was awesome, but not very weight loss friendly i admit. So, over the course of just under a month, I gained ten pounds. Now school is starting up, summer is winding down, and I am more focused. Summer is such a chaotic time when y ou aren't in school, y'know? No daily schedule, special fun stuff happening... It was tough, but I am back!!
ALSO, I knocked another weight loss goal off my list! I was NOT the fat bridesmaid!! I think we were all relatively the same size, I might have been sliiiightly larger, but also, a head taller so I think I was just the tall blond bridesmaid. Woo hoo!! And the groomsman I walked with was pretty handsome and charming.
Now... just to get back in the saddle... the first few days back on shakes are always tough and lethargic-ish. But we battle on.
- Mood:determined
NO, my bridesmaid dress for the vegas wedding does NOT fit! I tried it on today, Alfred Angelo is full of bitches. I overestimated how much I would lose, and while I have lost fifty pounds, which is fantastic and somewhat unprecedented for me in that amount of time, it is not enough to fit into the size I ordered. AND I didn't take into account my BOOBS when I ordered, no matter what size the rest of me was, I will always probably need a woman's size just for my breasts and then tailor everything else. It is just awful, honestly. And because they don't make it til' you order it (the Jack in the Box of bridal stores?) I can't just exchange for a size up. I have a foreboding feeling that when I meet with the alteration specialist later today, she will say it is a bad job and impossible, and I will end up buying another dress, so paying AGAIN, only at Davids Bridal for an as close as possible facsimile. But even if I have to do that, its okay, theres nothing more to be done and I can't beat myself up over it too much, I made a bad ordering choice, move on, right? But I have to go humiliate myself and talk to the seamstress first, who is likely also a bitch... grr. Bah. Oh well.
- Mood:
anxious
I, Marra have now lost a whopping 50 pounds!! Sorry for the long abscence. Life sort of took hold of me, I work with California Job's Daughters and our annual convention was last week. Planning and such pulled me away from writing. I've been rather wobbly, to be honest but nothing thats damaged my success thus far. I'm still not where I want to be, nor have I had the success I've wanted so far, I need to get back to losing weight more regularly. But I am hopeful and strong and... oh who am I kidding, just now I am HUNGRY! But thats because its shake time. I'll take care of that after I finish writing this. Remember that dress that I fit into that was on THE LIST? Here is a pic of me in it! :
Much better than the last one, now that I have the crinoline on, and makeup too, and my hair done... etc. Gorgeous! My boobs still are a bit snug in it, but it is loose in the waist. Damn my boobs!!
I'm rather nervous, I haven't gone to church in a few years and I am going to a new one that a family I know goes to tomorrow. I am shy about going. Generally I am not shy, but I like knowing what I'm walking into, so I can plan out my actions. Where I am going to sit, etc. I don't like flying blind at all. So literally walking in is the hardest part. I just have to be tough and do it, eh? After that, once I get the layout and all, I'll be much more comfortable. I can do it! *insert tough face here* grrr! haha.
I'm lonely and depressed, honestly. I'm not in school, I don't work, I'm never meeting new people and I don't have many close relationships with the people I do know. All my relationships except a few are very compartmentalized. If I see people at school, we have fun at school, but I don't, say, invite them out to the movies. I just see them at school. If I see people when I volunteer for a moms group, we don't hang out later either. I feel like I should more easily bridge this gap between various settings so that I can have more friends, more people to spend free time with, but its been an ongoing issue. And right now I am not in class and the group I volunteer for breaks up over the summer. So right now its just me, and its very lonely and boring. I have a couple of friends, but I'm fighting with one because of a disagreement over whether or not I should be allowed in his apartment since his friend/roommate doesn't like me (albeit for no good reason) and said I couldn't, so we're kind of not hanging out, and the other just moved in with her boyfriend and I'm just... eh.... A lot of things ARE coming up, so I have things to look forward to, like a friend's wedding shower, her wedding in August, and a trip at the end of June coming up, and Comic Con here in San Diego in July, and my birthday in July... its just hard day to day. I'm rambling more than I usually do here. Bah.
I want to join a volleyball league but I don't have the money right now. That would give me an avenue to be more active and meet new people. Maybe I will ask my parents for money for it. I don't know.
Well, here's hoping I lose at least two pounds this week! Cheers.
- Mood:
blah
So this week I am down two pounds! yay. Moving in the right direction. Two more pounds and I will have lost fifty!! I want an award of some sort... In weight watchers you get magnets every 25 pounds, I want something shiny that says, GO YOU. on it. Maybe I will drop hints, and my mom will get me a card. haha. She would, too, my mum likes to commemorate silly things, she is like me. or i am like her. ACHOO!!! s'cuse me, that huge sneeze brings me to my next point....
I had a sore throat on Wednesday, it got AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL on Thursday, and yesterday was less so, but I was and am now CONGESTED terribly and feeling bleehhh and ick. I thought for sure Thursday would be the worst of it, but no, i was wrong. And I'm on a DIET and I hate being sick and on a diet because I want comfort food when I am sick, soooo bad. I medicate with food, I admit that. So, I am having it anyway. My parents agreed to let me go off the diet to have soup and a pot pie and crackers, but I need fizzy drink and I cannot drink any more diet soda or I will yack! So i am compromising, on my own and secretly putting apple juice in with my diet sprite/squirt. Its yummy! hush. And I got my own crackers and some cookies. They are hidden in my room. Also I had some coke while I was out. I feel better already.
FOUR POUNDS DOWN THIS WEEK! And that is NOT counting the three gained, so technically, SEVEN POUNDS DOWN!! It was amazing and exciting AND I am now technically under the 250 mark! I <3 breaking into new number brackets. Being 240 something instead of 250 something is much more fun.
So, on my list, there is this item, called, Fit Into My Good Sheet Dress By The End Of June. Or something to that effect. I got all brave today , after my great weigh in last night, and tried the dress on... and... it... FITS!!! With over a month to go before I needed it too! I am elated. I am a pretty princess!!! Its the first weight loss goal I had that I have reached and I am so so so excited. People at the convention are going to see me and be very surprised and all WOW and such. I haven't fit in this dress in two years. So I can cross that off as did it! Here is a pic of me this morning, being all elated and bedheaded and makeupless. Enjoy! (And yes, yes, those are bedsheets. The yellow bit, too. all of it. SOoooo comfy. But looks better with the crinoline.)
- Mood:enthralled
It was not an auspicious week for not cheating. It was AWFUL I just went all bah, and ate whatever and it was utterly awful. However, I learned my lesson, and the three pounds should come back off rather easily I think. More or less I am taking a sabbatical, to focus most entirely on this diet. Other than family stuff, and a couple of other minor obligations, I am going to be mostly in my house, and at my group meetings for a couple of weeks or more, just to get a good focus and grip going on this program again. I even quit my babysitting gig that I had going once a week, because I realized that being in a house with yummy kids foods was too toxic an environment for me right now. That was part of my problem, I have very little resolve it seems when faced with "free" corndogs. I know, nothing is free, it costs me calories, etc, but as in, I don't have to pay for it. In a shop I can avoid buying junk, but when its just there, and I can have it, right now, I get all frusterated and impulsive. Yes, I do actually really have ADD, btw, so thats a valid reason why I have trouble controlling my eating in a macaroni filled environment. So, I am up three pounds this week, it is unfortunate but next week there will be good news, I promise.
Also, I hope you enjoyed the fun graphic. I had to have something to illustrate me falling off the wagon.
- Mood:determined
Things I Want To Achieve By Losing Weight:
- Go Horsebackriding with my neice.- Ever since we were in Kansas last summer and randomly saw a horse in someones backyard/pasture, and got to feed it grass, my neice has wanted to go horseback riding. I have been to heavy to go however, unless someone around here has a clydesdale I can ride. Once I feel I am down low enough in weight, I am going to take her somewhere to go for a trail ride.
- Go Ice Skating.- Every year on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, my neice and I (can ya tell I love my neice bunches?) go ice skating by the sea at the Hotel Del Coronado. It is a fantastic tradition thats been happening for some years now, however this past year my weight was at last too great a strain on my joints for me to skate more than a tiny bit. Luckily her other aunt was there, my sister, so my sister skated with her but it broke my heart that I couldn't be out there with them. And I am determined that that will never happen again so long as I am under fifty. I want to take the strain off my joints, and gain more muscle so I am in good enough shape to skate and keep up with my neice this Thanksgiving.
- Buy a Victoria's Secret bra.- I always have had large breasts even when I was thin, but not HUGE like they are now. I currently have to order bras off the internet. By the time I was old enough for a fancy VS bra, I was already too large (I began gaining after ankle surgeries when I was 15) so I never have had one and so I want one.
- Fit easily on amusement park rides.- And also, not have to worry about it. I've never had trouble at disneyland or six flags, but a local boardwalk park in San Diego has a roller coaster, and last summer I was nearly too big for it which seems ridiculous because there are many men and probably women bigger than me who ride it, but there you are. Maybe I never noticed those people having trouble before. There was also one other ride there that I did not fit on, because of my breasts being too big. That has been a slight issue at six flags before, me needing to be squished a bit, and I would rather not have to wonder anymore while standing in line, am I going to fit?
- Dress Like a Skank.- I can hear your gasps from here. But yeah! Most girls get the slutty skanking out of their systems when they are 18 or so but I wasn't fit enough for that scene at that age, and so once I am much thinner, I want to dress slutty just a bit, and then only for special people later. I want to be told, you can't go out in that! I want guys to stare at me and not just because of my breasts and not just because they are old and creepy. I want guys MY age to stare because I am all over hot!
- Work as a camp counselor.- I know maybe I am a bit old for this gig. Or maybe 26 is not old. I will be nearly 27 next summer when I want to do this. (I have a July birthday.) But I've felt before that I wasn't in good enough shape to do this job, so once I drop the weight and get in better shape, I am going to do this. I love kids, I would be good at it and I have always enjoyed going to camp before. It would be an adventure!
- Become proficient at Ballet.- Ballet is tough. But it is an art form and while I will never, EVER be great at it, I would like to be able to do it without looking like a Teletubby gone mad. And without falling over. I am already very flexible, but I need more stregnth and less weight to perform the moves correctly and more easily.
- Be a mermaid for Halloween.- In public, maybe even with a bare midriff and not a flesh colored bodysuit.
- Fit into my good sheet dress by the end of June.- Okay this may sound totally crazy but suffice to say, I have been a member of the youth group Job's Daughters, there is a state convention, I have a dress, yes it is made of floral bedsheets, and I promised myself last year that I would fit into it again by the convention this year. The sheet dress is the attire of the state level officers. I am a past state officer, and my friend is one this year and I swore that we would be able to have a nice photo taken of us together in our sheets. Update! As of May 14th, 2009, I fit in this dress, over a month ahead of schedule. Go me!!!
- Not Be the Fat Bridesmaid.- One of my best friends, who I have known for sixteen years, is getting married in August. And I will NOT be the fattest bridesmaid, I will be asked to dance at the reception, I will look damn good! AND I will catch the bouquet. I suggest the other single ladies stay out of my way, haha. Update! The wedding was August 9th, and I think I was the same size as the other bridesmaids and was possibly just seen as the tall blond one, i hope! And the groomsman I walked with was handsome and maybe flirted with me a little. There was no dancing at the reception, but I DID catch the bouquet! Yay!!
- Mood:determined
Marra cleans her dirty mouth with Orbit gum. Bubblemint, specifically. This was a bad week for cheating. I lost NOTHING this week. boo hooooooo. Ah well, it serves me right. I cheated a lot on Friday and a bit on Monday and tonight I did after my meeting but now for the rest of the week I am going to be good good good. Even my fortune cookie from the chinese i ate said "You will soon acheive perfection" so see? It is an auspicious week to not cheat.
I lied and told my parents I lost 1 pound though. Because i was too ashamed to admit 0 loss. Ah well. Next week I will subtract one pound from whatever I lose and it will all be evened out. If I MUST have a real meal I really should limit it to once a week if I must.
When I do cheat, I have a peice of gum when I am on the way home so that my breath doesn't smell like the chow mein and orange chicken I ate, or whatever else. So I was putting the gum in my mouth and it brought me back to high school, when my sister would chew gum so my parents wouldn't smell smoke or alcohol on her breath, and I felt like, oh NO. I am a druggie! I am behaving like a druggie with my food. This program has given me more issues than years of regular overeating. I never really truly binged before this, but on this program I have broken down to where I eat whatever isn't nailed down. And I've never been secretive about eating, with the sole exception of soda because my mom is a diet soda advocate in the worst way. All my problems will NOT go away if I would just drink diet soda. Yet she has behaved as if that were the issue. In fact that is the one thing I don't miss on this program is soda. But now I am sneaking food when I cheat. And its weird and I don't like it, but it isn't forever. And I would rather have issues and be thin than happily eat what I want, sans guilt, and be fat. So, onward!!!
To avoid cheating I will use these tools-
- Avoid people and situations that make me want to cheat really bad. Mostly people.
- Visualise myself succeeding in a given situation, then do it.
- Plan ahead well and drink plenty of water.
Also, make a post on my journal and a pretty colorful poster for my room that details my goals with losing weight, what I want to achieve. Focus!!
I don't want to brag but, I lost 6 pounds this week, go me!!! How did I do it, you ask? Well, admittedly, I threw up a lot. No, no, not bulimia style! I got the flu this week, and so spent a few days not eating much. However I did eat saltine crackers, which are NOT on my diet, so my expectations for this weeks loss were pretty low. I was and am pretty happy with the loss, I'll take it any way I can get it!
Not that I enjoyed the flu, or vomiting, or would want to lose weight that way entirely. After throwing up I always feel terrible and gross and think how awful it must be for people who have to go through that every day.
Now I need to go to sleep, tomorrow I am going swimming, and sending off Gulliver Bear to his first adventure! Also, I need more Memoirs Of A Sassy Fat Chick Who Goes On A Diet And Complains The Whole Time books. Suggestions? Already have read Dietgirl, Such A Pretty Fat, and Conversations with the Fat Girl.
- Mood:accomplished
2. 2. 2. 222222222222222222222 TWO POUNDS THIS WEEK!!!!. I know, its still a loss, and yay for that, but next to four pounds for the last three weeks, two is so sadly small, and half of four.
This is of course no ones fault but mine. I cheated far too much this week. Like, seriously. Not full meals except twice, but it was enough. Siiiigh. So, I was impulsive (again) and let myself have Taco Bell tonight, and starting tomorrow I am fresh and clean and on nothing but The Product.
On the plus side, I am under 100 pounds left to go!!! *dancey dancey* So, okay, its 99 left, but thats still under 100!!
And I am going swimming!!!
And Gulliver the Traveling Bear is going out very soon to Portland, OR! and after that to Philidelphia! I hope he gets more host offers soon.
Okay, this week I lost FOUR pounds again! I was pleasantly surprised. I SWEAR I am going to be really really good this week and lose FIVE pounds. Yes. And more exercise. of course. Woo hoo!
- Mood:
good
I've tried to avoid temptation but I've given in and cheated more this week than I should have, never an entire meal, but here and there a bit of this or that. I did put together an easter egg hunt, and so there were the ten or so jelly beans I ate (brach's regular type.. my fav) and a few peices of chocolate, and a cadburry egg on friday, and then on tuesday it was a mess, I got to babysitting and ate a tortilla (plain and for no real reason other than it was sitting there, why am I so damn impulsive?!), then at an easter picnic that day I ate one and a half little egg sized cupcakes, and THEN went to McDonalds for lunch with the little girl I was watching, and got a snack wrap (crispy, no less) and ate a few fries and two chicken nuggets that the two year old wasn't going to eat. I still had my shake but it was pretty bad none the less.
Whats amazed me most though is my successful avoidance of soda. I LOVE soda, I HATE diet soda no matter what I've tried, and I thought giving up regular Coke and Dr. Pepper would be tough but I haven't had any of it, not once since this plan started. So to me, that is a really big victory!! I'm impressed with myself for that, and very pleased.
I have my weigh in in about an hour and I'm terrified that I've either not lost this week, or have GAINED because of the cheating. I guess if I am honest with myself I don't think I've really gained, but I wanted so badly to get down to 260 this week, leaving me with exactly 100 pounds to go. Maybe it'll still happen.
OMG my brother is on speaker phone with my parents right now, and he is going to be here TONIGHT instead of tomorrow night, and I still have to clean the bathroom before I leave for my class now!! But oo, yay the neice is here soon!!
- Mood:
worried
- Mood:accomplished
I've taken to collecting recipes, haha. Good healthy ones of course mostly, like this excellent brownie recipe that calls for pureed sweet potatoes. So maybe I'll cook a bit more once this is over.
I do sometimes wish I could be sedated though and just sleep through this whole ordeal.
So I lost another 7 pounds this week!!!
This week I learned to avoid ranch dressing, and that I need ALL my shakes every day to lose the most weight. I'm so lazy when it comes to them and drinking that much liquid is hard too. But if I want to do this right, I need to get all my fluids. I do love ice water though, its good. Today I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. Did some walking and some biking, nothing too hard. Then came home and slept. I think I'll go swimming soon too. That will help with the weight loss a lot.
Oh, and I think maybe I should rejoin the human race and not be such a hermit. That too. haha.
- Mood:
tired
So, I had my first weigh in after starting on the Optifast shakes, and I lost... FIFTEEN pounds!!! *noisemakers* I know a lot of that was water weight, sodium, etc, and not real fat burn off, but its still exciting! I got to put fifteen marbles from my "Need to Lose" jar into my "Lost" jar!
Its been a rough week. They said in the beginning that this program isn't designed to make you comfortable and that you will have some discomfort (emotionally) on it. I never thought I was an emotional eater, but this week proved me wrong. I felt kind of naked without "food". I mean I'm eating, I have the shakes which are all full of good stuff, but I didn't have real food. And I was surprised how sad I felt. Not sad, exactly, but bored, unexcited, uninterested in things. I think now that I am, in a way, an emotional eater, not in a reacting sense, I don't go to food right away when something bad happens, but I connect food to emotions. I eat for comfort, to soothe myself, to express joy, to be creative. Food is a comforting constant. Food doesn't hurt you. Well, okay, obviously it DOES in excess amounts, but it won't leave you. And it will always make you feel better. I think somehow, totally not on purpose, I got myself to a point where, if I had food I liked and enjoyed, other things could suck and life would still be okay. I've never thought of it that way until right now. Wow. Its the same way with anyone who has any kind of eating disorder, you whittle your life down to one easy issue, food. For anorexics, its being able to control what and how much they eat, for me, I was focused on the good feelings I got from food, so it became something like the world could be going to shit, but if I had a Coke and a plate of spaghetti with fresh parmesan, I could get through it because SOMETHING was right in the world. And its SILLY because my life isn't that awful.There are loads of things that are just fantastic. I didn't think I was so focused on food, but I guess I was. But I guess its just the stress of the fibro, and eds, along with everyday life stuff that I was trying to not feel. hm.
- Mood:
contemplative
- Mood: blah
Greetings! Its been awhile since I posted, I know. Life took over and I forgot, but I've been having this serious blogging urge lately, which feels odd, to have a urge to blog, of all things. So here I am.
I am taking four classes this semester, going from 9-3 with a lunch break in there, MWF. So tuesday and thursday I rest. In theory. Only on Tuesday I have my babysitting in the mornings, so not resting then. And I'm sure once things get rolling I'll have an assinine amount of homework. But I won't have to drive anywhere or do anything otherwise that I know of yet, so school seems to be well scheduled thus far. In my very Hermione-ish way, I have already contradicted one teacher (Mr. C the easy on the eyes history professor) and had him concede that I was right, and generally had to bite my tongue in other classes in order to give someone else a chance. Whee!
Most importantly though, this year I am undertaking a huge.... undertaking. I am starting the Optifast program next month. Optifast is a meal replacement program, where you drink five of these "shakes" a day, along with copious amounts of water, and you literally piss away your fat. HOW AWESOME IS THAT???? You flush your fat down the toilet! Now, lest you think that this is some sort of scary, dangerous plan, its something that has been used and improved on since the eighties, all done under the supervision of doctors and with weekly group meetings. The best friend, Orchid, has done it with fabulous results, and I can do anything she can do. Except play the flute. And make fantastic things in origami. If Orchid can stay on this plan and make it work then so can I and I will! I'm very excited about it, and a bit nervous. But its all designed around therapy and finding out WHY you are fat, so I think its a good program for me.
Even with all this going on, I still always feel like I'm not out there in the world enough. But I don't have the energy to be, either. But I wish I could work, or volunteer more, do something to meet more new people. Ah well. Anybody else feel isolated? It sucks.
But here is to a New Year, and new opportunities!!
